Monday, April 16, 2012
this weekend was a little bit sad and lonely.
i was basically having a tantrum on saturday, and barely got to enjoy the beautiful weather outside. i was procrastinating on doing my taxes, worrying about the release party, and feeling really overwhelmed by a lot of responsibilities in my life.
i started organizing a getaway of epic proportions. i'd escape new york, and buy a beach cottage in rhode island (somehow!) i could just forget everything that i've been working towards for the past ten years. i'd pop out a few kids and become a stay-at-home mom! that seems like it's what i'm supposed to want, so why delay the inevitable?
i'm not in any way invalidating the experiences of sahms. but at that moment, it just seemed like so much more of a direct route to something attainable, as well as a society-validated way to live life. doing the nyc-artist-freelancer-make-my-own-way thing... it just feels like i'm fighting against the tide.
it all gets very tiring sometimes.
i eventually drew a hot bath, and started to ask the universe what i should do. i start to remember that without fail, the times in my life when i've had the most faith are the times when everything fall into place.
i start to remember that things boil down to control and acceptance.
i have to accept that i fall short of my (very high) expectations of myself. a lot.
i accept that i can't control everything in my life, and no one can. control and power is such an illusion. yet so important for people to feel safe.
i accept that i may not have everything i want, but i've got a lot. and i'm so lucky to be living this life. that not only my life, but ALL our lives are unique, wonderful, and special in so many ways. every single person on the planet's experiences are worth something valuable.
tomorrow is my cd release.
i'm going to ignore the voices that are telling me i "should" be doing "better", whatever that means.
it's amazing that i even got to make a cd. that people i don't even know are congratulating me, listening, BUYING, and telling me how awesome it is. i'm grateful for that. i dreamed of that all my life.
thank you for reading my blog, and if you've listened to, or purchased my music. i'll see you tomorrow. with a glint in my eye, and a spring in my step :)