another story about another ring...
once upon a time, i had some piercings, including a navel ring. (yes, i know.) i originally got it when i was 15 (!!), and i took it out some years ago. though i came across it recently while looking through some old junk.
when i saw again, i felt electric. things like piercings and tattoos can be very personal, and mine was. navel rings went out of style years ago, but that wasn't the reason i took it out. i actually wore mine way past the point of fashionability. it was because i decided that it had no meaning for me anymore. but there was a time when it had a lot of meaning.
it's even still bent, just like it always was. imperfect. just like me.
there was a time when i used to do things simply on gut instincts. it might sound cheesy, but when i found out i could do things simply because i wanted to, i tapped into a great source of power. i loved doing things like dyeing my hair. piercing parts of myself. sleeping with strangers. having TOTAL control of my body and mind, and there wasn't a damn thing anybody could do to stop me.
my biggest wish was for independence. my biggest fear was dependency, and compromising my freedom and choices. i have never been perfectly happy. never perfectly stable. but there was a time when i felt a power within myself to move mountains.
nowadays, i feel like i do a lot of compromising, and most of my thoughts revolve around responsibilities. i notice that most of my time is comprised of doing a LOT of things i don't want to do. even as i'm "freelance" and working for myself. i've felt limited by a lot: past traumas. lack of finances, lack of connections, lack of know-how. even limits i put on myself that aren't even real.
and i can barely remember... but i'm fairly certain... there was a time when i used to scoff in the face of any kind of limitation.
where did that badass go?? what the hell happened to her? maybe it's just part of the natural progression of life, and everyone comes to terms with the fact that they do not, in fact, have limitless power. they never get everything they want. they can't have their cake and eat it too. of course people need limits.
but i can't help but feeling like i need some of this power infused back into my life. sometimes, i can only find solace in letting go of control. right now, i am feeling and craving that power running through my veins. a life force all its own.
when i saw the ring, it reminded me that existed once within me. and i can have it again. if i want it.
if i can be brave enough to find it.
♥ listen to my new record on bandcamp ♥