so here i am. dreading writing this post, signifying my re-entry back into the "real world."
not because i had a bad experience out there in camp-land. on the contrary. i actually have so many feelings and thoughts about it, that it's hard to put into words..
i'll try anyway.
before i left for camp, i was in a groove. i finally started to feel like i was getting somewhere... where? doing what? i don't know. i was developing the friendships i'd always craved since i moved to the city. my career path started looking up. although not exactly where i wanted to be, i was moving.
but something was wrong.
life felt like trudgery. i was constantly drained. i hit a wall, and had been pounding the pavement for so hard and so long, i needed a break.
then appel farm said they wanted to hire me. i was overwhelmed with the feeling that i should take the job. i felt the universe was telling me i needed to go. i wanted to teach music, and thought it was a good excuse to leave the city and be somewhere beautiful for two months. i wanted to learn new skills, practice, and write.
my experience was nothing like what i thought it would be. it centered around two things that i did not expect:
~ pushing myself to my limits.
the first week was completely overwhelming, and set the tone for the rest of camp. thereafter, my time was not my own. it was dictated by a tight schedule that kept us busy from the moment we woke, to when we fell asleep.
so many people. so many conversations. so many different opinions, personalities, and things to say. meals to be eaten within 20 minutes. rules to remember. activities to do.
then... after awhile came the drama.
in any close-knit group of people, this is inevitable. you would make ten new best friends in a week. then someone would sleight you. some stupid thing or another would happen, and those relationships would turn into resentments as quickly as they were made.
but more importantly, there were the kids.
they terrified me at first.
they ended up stealing my heart.
some of those kids- i feel like i love them even more than the adults i would spend every night socializing with. they were so, so, so SO, SO, SO talented, and surpassed my expectations every time they played a note. impressed me every time they got up on that stage.
and everything i'm talking about right now, and the love given and received within the past two months has everything to do with them.
~ in the end, i got to know more beautiful humans than i ever would if i'd stayed stagnant in my apartment, crouched over a laptop.
for instance- see this guy jumping with me? that's jamie, one of the other guitar instructors. we hated each other at first. but through lots of time and patience, really respected and loved one another. he's wonderful, and i never would've known that if i let my initial impression dictate my opinion.
he'll go back to the uk very soon. i miss him dearly.
~ in the end, this experience has renewed my hope. reminded me that life is an adventure, and not something you just tolerate and trudge through until you die.
~ in the end, i realize people are capable of doing so much more than they give themselves credit for.
~ in the end, the crappy experiences were still just as valuable as the good ones.
and all that drama that i mentioned before? gone. none of it mattered. we were all so excited to have known each other, and to be a part of something so wonderful. it was put aside for something better: love. beauty. hope.
~ in the end, i feel great about life. and for the first time in a long time, that it's all going to be okay.
i feel privileged to have been a part of this experience.
i loved getting to know every single person i met.
i would not change a thing.
and i regret nothing.
♥ listen to my new record on bandcamp ♥