August 27, 2012

being back

so here i am. dreading writing this post, signifying my re-entry back into the "real world."

not because i had a bad experience out there in camp-land. on the contrary. i actually have so many feelings and thoughts about it, that it's hard to put into words..

i'll try anyway.


butterfly


before i left for camp, i was in a groove. i finally started to feel like i was getting somewhere... where? doing what? i don't know. i was developing the friendships i'd always craved since i moved to the city. my career path started looking up. although not exactly where i wanted to be, i was moving.


but something was wrong.

life felt like trudgery. i was constantly drained. i hit a wall, and had been pounding the pavement for so hard and so long, i needed a break.

then appel farm said they wanted to hire me. i was overwhelmed with the feeling that i should take the job. i felt the universe was telling me i needed to go. i wanted to teach music, and thought it was a good excuse to leave the city and be somewhere beautiful for two months. i wanted to learn new skills, practice, and write.


performance 1


my experience was nothing like what i thought it would be. it centered around two things that i did not expect:

~ relationships
~ pushing myself to my limits.



the first week was completely overwhelming, and set the tone for the rest of camp. thereafter, my time was not my own. it was dictated by a tight schedule that kept us busy from the moment we woke, to when we fell asleep.

so many people. so many conversations. so many different opinions, personalities, and things to say. meals to be eaten within 20 minutes. rules to remember. activities to do.

no.

free.

time.


then... after awhile came the drama.

in any close-knit group of people, this is inevitable. you would make ten new best friends in a week. then someone would sleight you. some stupid thing or another would happen, and those relationships would turn into resentments as quickly as they were made.

bitches scorned




but more importantly, there were the kids.

rock band 1


they terrified me at first.

they ended up stealing my heart.

some of those kids- i feel like i love them even more than the adults i would spend every night socializing with. they were so, so, so SO, SO, SO talented, and surpassed my expectations every time they played a note. impressed me every time they got up on that stage.

and everything i'm talking about right now, and the love given and received within the past two months has everything to do with them.



~ in the end, i got to know more beautiful humans than i ever would if i'd stayed stagnant in my apartment, crouched over a laptop.

for instance- see this guy jumping with me? that's jamie, one of the other guitar instructors. we hated each other at first. but through lots of time and patience, really respected and loved one another. he's wonderful, and i never would've known that if i let my initial impression dictate my opinion.

he'll go back to the uk very soon. i miss him dearly.

jumping 6


~ in the end, this experience has renewed my hope. reminded me that life is an adventure, and not something you just tolerate and trudge through until you die.

~ in the end, i realize people are capable of doing so much more than they give themselves credit for.

~ in the end, the crappy experiences were still just as valuable as the good ones.

and all that drama that i mentioned before? gone. none of it mattered. we were all so excited to have known each other, and to be a part of something so wonderful. it was put aside for something better: love. beauty. hope.


~ in the end, i feel great about life. and for the first time in a long time, that it's all going to be okay.



jumping 1

jumping 2

jumping 4

dodge's market 2



i feel privileged to have been a part of this experience.

i loved getting to know every single person i met.

i would not change a thing.

and i regret nothing.


♥♥



chantilly

♥ listen to my new record on bandcamp
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16 comments

  1. So cute, im glad to hear there was a happy ending. :)

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  2. What a powerful post about such an intensive time! I'm glad you're back and although this must have been a hard time, I do see you taking the good out of it which makes me really happy for you!
    Hugs xxx

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  3. Awesome. Love this post, so sweet. :)

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  4. Sounds like such a life changing experience, I love that you've acknowledged the lows as well as the highs! I'm glad you had an amazing time overall though. :)
    Faye x

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    1. thank you! that's how i tend to see most things... for both their positive AND negative aspects. usually life experiences aren't just one thing or the other :)

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  5. hi Chantilly thank you so much for commenting on my blog. I really love yours - beautifully written, beautiful pics, and you seem really interesting so I'm following you right now!

    Such a sweet post. :)

    x
    Angie
    sundaybelle.com

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  6. In the end, it really comes down to the relationships you have with people, doesn't it? :)

    Erin

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  7. So happy to hear it went well, yay for new relationships.

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  8. I'm so glad that you got out there and had such a great experience. Excellent inspiration for those of us stuck inside our little boxes :)

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  9. you have a very lovely blog!

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  10. I'm so glad that you were able to have this experience this summer! Also glad to hear that you're back. :) Though... a little sad that this means summer is over... Where did it go?

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  11. this is so beautiful— i teared up a little reading it because i could relate so much! the drudgery, the fatigue, the tolerating life— it takes such a toll. anyway, last summer i had the opportunity to get away from it. i attended an arts & crafts school for three months to study bookmaking. it was so incredible— the people, the artists, the intense scheduling, pushing yourself to the limits, i loved every moment and i'm convinced the people i met and the friends i made there are some of the most beautiful people on earth. so glad you're back and thanks for this post— i think i needed to remember how inspired i felt then.

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    1. that sounds *amazing!!* i've never been to summer camp, so these feelings were all new to me. glad you had that experience :) xo

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  12. Gorgeous. You. The Post. Your Words.

    I've been MIA for weeks on my blog but I wanted to pop in and see how you were and you're awesome so that makes me pretty happy :) Glad you're home safe and sound and fabulous.

    Jenna
    xoxo

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    1. yay! so glad to see you again jenna. i've missed you!!

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  13. I agree with Jenna, wonderful post! And I'm truly happy to know this was an awesome experience.

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