September 17, 2012

coffee talk ~ the ugly

Question to the people of onlineland: if you have a blog, or online presence... do you ever get feeling vulnerable about it? Too exposed?

I guess I started to feel like that this weekend. I took my blog down for a bit, deactivated my Facebook account, deleted old posts, and trashed old pictures on Flickr.


When Matt and I first moved to the city, I remember running into some of his friends. They asked us how we were doing, and I dared to tell them the truth- that we were struggling financially. Matt took me aside later and told me that was a mistake. That I should always show the best side of myself to people.

It's completely unnatural to me, but for awhile, I've been trying to have that mindset. Telling myself I'm doing great! and awesome! and trying to project this to the world. Having the mindset that if I do this, the rest will follow. And you know what? For the most part it's worked.

But I've been getting tired lately. So tired of trying to be strong all the time. To "look good' for everyone. (Who is this "everyone?")


Then this weekend was extra lazy. And I found myself lurking on an internet snark forum. And someone had posted some (older) pictures of me there, and said some not nice things. I jumped out of my skin when I first saw it.

I mean... I know. This is nothing new, and it happens every day. When someone posts pictures of themself on the internet, or does anything on the internet these days, they're asking for it. Criticism and scrutiny are fair game. And I put myself out there. And usually, I feel like I'm pretty ready for anything anyone has to say about me. When I'm on my A-game, and have my walls up. I guess it just came at the wrong time. When I was already feeling like my defenses were down.


And even now, I'm putting myself out there, when I probably shouldn't be...

But sure, some shoots come out looking better than others. Maybe I don't photoshop myself to perfection. Yes, I have a weird facial expression sometimes. It's not always the most flattering angle ever. Maybe I don't do this or that to please everyone.

I never said I was a model. I never said I was the most stylish. I never said I was the most talented. I simply do the best I can, with all I have. That's all I've ever done. It's all any of us can do.

Also: this isn't a style blog. I do style posts once per week. However, I always loved blog-land style because seemingly, we don't have to be like the completely unattainable images we're bombarded with every day. We can be whatever we want. Perhaps this is why I'm the most disappointed. To find out that people still expect Vogue, even when they're just skimming through ChantillySongs.

But I guess it just comes with the territory of having any kind of 'fans' or persona. Not everyone likes what you have to offer. And more of that to come, probably.


We're all just learning and experimenting and finding things out along the way in life. That's all I'm doing.

Anyway, here are some pictures.

watch hill
watch hill
watch hill
watch hill
watch hill
watch hill
watch hill


This was a perfectly lovely time with my family.

This is a perfectly imperfect photo of me.

watch hill


And disclaimer: If your mistaken expectation of my blog was ever anything more than the documentation of a messed-up/ awkward/ kindhearted/ artistic girl... adjust your perception now.



chantilly

♥ listen to my new record on bandcamp
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26 comments

  1. I really appreciate this timely post. I just posted something that made me feel vulnerable to the world because some things I choose to say on my blog are not always popular. But isn't that why we put our work on the internet? This blog is simply, YOU and YOU are uniquely you. I just found strength in my vulnerability because you showed me that I am not alone. Regardless of any criticism we face, we are doing something when others aren't. Thanks for sharing, your images are gorgeous. I would love to have an ounce of that talent!

    http://feedingthehungrymind.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words! You have amazing talent within you .

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  2. I'm sorry you had to endure this. I just made my blog 2 months ago and recently had things that I needed to get off my chest that I decided to write on the blog. It mostly had great feedback, better than expected actually, but there was one comment that was pretty hurtful. I decided to leave it up because it was their right to express how they felt also. Basically what I'm saying is that everyone is going to have their opinions, whether good or bad. I think most people are going to relate more to a person who is real and talks about things like struggling financially than they will to people who put on a "happy" persona constantly. MOST people like realness over mean-hearted snark.

    That last picture of you is probably the best one I've seen you post so far.

    ~Erica
    thepaintedtrailer.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you Erica. I'm sorry you had to experience some hate. Weirdly, I've actually never had a mean comment on my blog, if you can believe it. A lot of people will just delete them... depending on the comment, I probably would. Cheers to you for keeping yours up :)

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  3. I'm so glad you blog, Chantilly! You are such an inspiring, creative, beautiful soul and I love how you share yourself on here. It is a hard vulnerability to put yourself out there. Luckily it's such an encouraging community, for the most part. We are supposed to be supporting each other's creative endeavors and unique style perspectives! Love that last pic of you and your disclaimer :)

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    1. Thank you Lisa. I love your blog too! I feel like bloggers (and artists and musicians) inherently want to be heard. That's why we do what we do. But we forget that we're "putting ourselves out there." You know? We forget that we are vulnerable. At least I do. However, I love the encouraging community, and I think it totally outweighs the other stuff :)

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  4. I'm sorry you had to see the haters, but I'm glad you blog. Your blog is refreshing and raw and so unscripted, which is so unlike so many of the blogs I read out there. You do what you need to do to feel safe and secure, but know that you've definitely been doing it "right" in my book :-)

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    1. I really appreciate it, Marci :) xx

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  5. That last picture is totally beautiful, don't let any internet trolls tell you any different! I agree that it feels better to be honest, I for one prefer bloggers who share the good and the bad instead of pretending to have some kind of 'perfect' life.
    Faye x

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    1. Thank you for the vote of confidence, Faye! The "perfect life" blogs are fun to read sometimes, but I really think I'll never be one. It's just never been who I am. I'm glad to know that you appreciate it. xoxo

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  6. Oh darlin, first off I want to commend you for writing this. To answer your question, yes sometimes I feel too exposed too. A lot of the times I will re-edit my posts before posting them because of that reason. Because I'm suposed to be optimistic and inspiring even when I have bad days. But the truth is, I don't always find myself happy. And I'm not always the optimist I want to be. So every now and then, I let my guard down. And when I have bad days, sometimes I'll be straight up with them. And sometimes I find it just as rewarding as trying to be positive, because everyone knows your human when they read your good and bad days.

    Everyone can relate to that, i think. Of not being able to be constantly happy. Constantly optimistic. Of slipping up some times and having bad days. So, i hope you can keep that in mind. And I do, indeed, like honesty. And if you go through bad days, I'm not going to judge you for it but try to help you get through it as people have done with me.

    I think you are most beautiful, and I'm certaintly never dissapointed with your posts. I think you are amazing in all that you do, and I encourage you to keep at it. Because you inspire me, and countless others.

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    1. Yes! I always want to be more of an optimist too. But I'm not. And I'm not a pessimist. Life simply is what it is, and there is good and bad. The challenge is writing about it in a way that is not reminiscent of a livejournal entry :P

      Thank you so much Soph :)) I'm tearing up at your last paragraph...

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  7. Geez, people who have nothing better to do but to criticize others annoy me terribly! Don't let those jerks get to you, Chantilly! You are who you are and you are a beautiful person who has an adorable blog that a lot of people love reading. They might just be jealous of your online presence and talent.

    I'm getting a lot of spam lately. They're mostly ads to get drugs, but I also get mean comments. I don't read them anymore, they're deleted as soon as I get them.

    Oh, and I LOVE that last photo of you! ;D

    Happy Monday, dear friend!

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    1. I love you, Miki :) People totally have the right to feel the way they feel about me/ my photos/ my music, etc. It was just hurtful and a little shocking to see it myself, not expecting it.

      I can't understand how anyone would leave you a mean comment. THAT annoys me. You have got to be one of the sweetest people out there in onlineland, and your blog is adorable. I'm just... whatever, they can go suck it.

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  8. It's such a shame that people think it's ok to criticize someone for being "imperfect." disgusting really. I hate that you've had to put up with this and I've always admired that you put yourself out there and seem to have so much self confidence. Stay strong!
    and I have to add, that last picture of you is so, so lovely!

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    1. Thank you Anna :) I feel like it was nothing compared to the bile some others receive. Some bigger bloggers have 20-80 page threads devoted to how much they suck. It's crazy.

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  9. I'll take perfectly imperfect any day of the week over cookie cutter perfection. Whatever the hell that is anyway. Never change. You are so freaking awesome just the way you are. PS - are you an Ingrid Michaelson fan? Her song The Way I Am seems appropriate to mention - one of my favorites.

    Oh and that last photo of you is SO beautiful. Seriously...

    You 'da bomb baby! :)

    Jenna
    xoxo

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    1. Ha! I listen to some of her music, mostly her first album (the one with 'breakable' on it.) Some of my music acquaintances play in her band. So there's a distant thread of connection there :)

      YOU da bomb! xx

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  10. I know I, for one, always appreciate it when bloggers portray the more "honest" parts of themselves, and I try to thank bloggers when they do it. I think blogging for some people has become so much a world where we need to look stylish, crafty, hilarious, cutting-edge, and intelligent all the time, when in fact, we are all and none of those things at different times in our lives. I figure there will always be people out there who, in their own insecurities and imperfections, tend to only see the flaws in others, but that doesn't mean that we should cater to them and be anything less than ourselves in our truest forms.

    So thank you to you today, for having the courage to just be yourself and say what's on your mind. It gives us all the motivation and encouragement to do the same!

    http://autodidacticambitions.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm glad you felt moved enough to comment on it :) I like the idea that we are all and none of these things. I'm happy to motivate you (and others) to say what's on your mind! It's the healthiest thing.

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  11. I can really relate to this. I used to be an ~*~*~aLteRnAtIvE mOdElll~*~*~ back in my teenage years and I'm constantly terrified the pictures will rear their ugly heads and totally humiliate me. I also occasionally become very scared that old schoolfriends/boyfriends will find my blog and have at me. That I'm fuelling the haters.

    It can be scary to put yourself out there, but it's very worthwhile, in my opinion. In this day and age, where actual human connection is often rushed, or busy, being able to read and connect with someone through the net is really useful. I actually think that reading about other's insecurities makes me warm to them, and like them better. I often put my "best face forwards" for fear of being a complainer, but life *isn't* all sunshine and roses - and pretending that it is upholds a standard that is unrealistic and leads others to feel insecure about their own lives.

    That's my two cents, anyway!

    Morgue x

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    1. Thank you for your two cents, Morgue :) If it's worth anything, I've always wanted to be an alternative model/ pinup. x

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  12. I thnk you should just be you. Artistic you. Beautiful you. Confused you. Down you. Ecstatic you. Fierce you. Grateful you. Happy you. Inspiring you. No need to put on a happy face. No need for perfection. No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be. :) (that's just my two cents.)

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    1. Yes. There are so many "you's." It's like that song "bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I've actually always hated that song, but there's truth in it. x

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  13. So strange - my last couple days have been just like this Chantilly! I'm really glad you wrote all this down. It's always encouraging to read about fella bloggies going through some of the same feelings/emotions etc. Anyways - I always have thought imperfection is way endearing and far more interesting than any plastic cookie cutter shiny perfect looking person out there. Keep doing what your doing lady. You are an inspiration :)

    Oh yeah, these photos rock. But that goes without being said.

    xo Marisa

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    1. We are always so on the same level :) It's always so comforting to know when someone else is going through the same things that you are. I think you are an inspiration as well :) xoxo

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