Question to the people of onlineland: if you have a blog, or online presence... do you ever get feeling vulnerable about it? Too exposed?
I guess I started to feel like that this weekend. I took my blog down for a bit, deactivated my Facebook account, deleted old posts, and trashed old pictures on Flickr.
When Matt and I first moved to the city, I remember running into some of his friends. They asked us how we were doing, and I dared to tell them the truth- that we were struggling financially. Matt took me aside later and told me that was a mistake. That I should always show the best side of myself to people.
It's completely unnatural to me, but for awhile, I've been trying to have that mindset. Telling myself I'm doing great! and awesome! and trying to project this to the world. Having the mindset that if I do this, the rest will follow. And you know what? For the most part it's worked.
But I've been getting tired lately. So tired of trying to be strong all the time. To "look good' for everyone. (Who is this "everyone?")
Then this weekend was extra lazy. And I found myself lurking on an internet snark forum. And someone had posted some (older) pictures of me there, and said some not nice things. I jumped out of my skin when I first saw it.
I mean... I know. This is nothing new, and it happens every day. When someone posts pictures of themself on the internet, or does anything on the internet these days, they're asking for it. Criticism and scrutiny are fair game. And I put myself out there. And usually, I feel like I'm pretty ready for anything anyone has to say about me. When I'm on my A-game, and have my walls up. I guess it just came at the wrong time. When I was already feeling like my defenses were down.
And even now, I'm putting myself out there, when I probably shouldn't be...
But sure, some shoots come out looking better than others. Maybe I don't photoshop myself to perfection. Yes, I have a weird facial expression sometimes. It's not always the most flattering angle ever. Maybe I don't do this or that to please everyone.
I never said I was a model. I never said I was the most stylish. I never said I was the most talented. I simply do the best I can, with all I have. That's all I've ever done. It's all any of us can do.
Also: this isn't a style blog. I do style posts once per week. However, I always loved blog-land style because seemingly, we don't have to be like the completely unattainable images we're bombarded with every day. We can be whatever we want. Perhaps this is why I'm the most disappointed. To find out that people still expect Vogue, even when they're just skimming through ChantillySongs.
But I guess it just comes with the territory of having any kind of 'fans' or persona. Not everyone likes what you have to offer. And more of that to come, probably.
We're all just learning and experimenting and finding things out along the way in life. That's all I'm doing.
Anyway, here are some pictures.
This was a perfectly lovely time with my family.
This is a perfectly imperfect photo of me.
And disclaimer: If your mistaken expectation of my blog was ever anything more than the documentation of a messed-up/ awkward/ kindhearted/ artistic girl... adjust your perception now.
♥ listen to my new record on bandcamp ♥